I am the Problem
When things don’t go as I want them to or when people don’t behave in the way I want them to behave or fail to treat me in the way I want to be treated, most often than not I am the problem.
When I don’t get the cooperation that I need, the conventional thought is for me to think that “they” are the problem. I would think that people are uncooperative, self serving and insensitive to my needs. They fail to honor their word and they fail to honor my rights. They do not understand and they are mistaken in the decisions they make. I count the number of times they make mistakes and I deposit their failures in my emotional bank account. I soon associate their presence or the mere mention of their names to their so called misdeeds and it affects the way I deal with them. I become unhappy with them and soon wish I don’t have to deal with them. The problem is they are members of my team or members of my family or friends. I will feel trapped in the company of people who do not understand my needs. If I don’t get any relief I will become bitter and start dealing with them in a negative way. I label them problem employees, problem child, difficult persons, difficult customers. But are they truly the problem or is it me? Let me think about it…
I don’t get the cooperation that I need because a lot of times, people do not understand what I need. They do not have a way of knowing because I often fail to communicate. I just assume that they know because they should. They know me hence they should know what I need. Besides most of the things I expect from people only takes common sense to figure out as far as I am concerned. Here in lies the problem. I expect people to focus their attention on my needs. Many times I forget that they have needs too and they have their own priorities, and their not prioritizing my needs may have nothing to do with how they think of me but has more to do with what they think should be prioritized at the moment.
I hate it when people do not deliver on expectations. They come across as incompetent. But wait, there are times when people around me fail because of my own incompetence. My kids fail to perform at school because I don’t give them the kind of emotional and logistical support that they need and why? I have a justification for that. I also didn’t get the kind of support that I’m supposed to have when I was a kid but I made it so why can’t they. My staffs fail to meet my performance expectations because I was unable to give my time train and coach. I can also justify my action for that. I didn’t get the support that I needed when I was in their place and I made it this far, there is no reason why they shouldn’t be able to do the same. I seem to have a justification for all my actions, why can’t I have justification for theirs? Is it because I am always right and they are always wrong?
In the morning, I go to the bus station and take a bus that’s empty, I choose the best seat where I can comfortably read a good book or have a nice sleep. This is all because the journey is two hours long and I don’t want to just endure it. A few miles down the road the bus is filled and some women will be standing on the isles as the bus chugs along. I have a personal rule, I don’t offer my seat to women except the really old ones, the pregnant and the ones with children. I strategically position my self so that I am the last man to give away my seat. This morning, I had no choice. An old woman rode the bus and no one is offering. With all hesitations, I gave away my seat. The old lady smiled and thanked me for offering my seat. She said that I didn’t have to do it. Offering my seat she said is out of fashion. I stood for about an hour but it was well worth it. Why, because I was able to win over the demon inside me who keeps on justifying why I shouldn’t give away my seat.
I realize that in our lives there are so many of these situations when we have to win over our inner demons. Its when we are in cross roads literally and figuratively. These are situations when we have to wait for our turn to cross the street or just violate the traffic rules because we can get away with it. It’s when we feel it most convenient to blame others for our failures rather than do some serious self examinations.
Its useless to blame because it attracts more blame. Blaming is counter-productive. Blame won’t put people in their place. The lesson therefore is not to blame but to think… What should I have done better and how can I make things work better for me and the people I am with. If we can do this, we can live a happier more fulfilling life.
